he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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