I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
