im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
