I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
