I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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