I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
