I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
