she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
