All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
