Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
