hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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