I'm sorry my penis didn't work
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
