i was rollin on her like bob the builder
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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