I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
