i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
