..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
