his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
