I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
