There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
