Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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