when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
