I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
