i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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