I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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