i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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