Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
