There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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