I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
