:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
