my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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