My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
