Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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