I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My cat gives me a boner
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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