Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
