he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
