Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
