I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
