we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I need water and some morals
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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