im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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