um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's never too late to be topless.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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