my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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