I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you didnt know i had herpes?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
