but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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