my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm getting married
To pizza
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
