i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
