I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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