She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
