I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
