Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Let's paint friendship bongs
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
