i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
