When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
