I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I won the penis lottery.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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