If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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