that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
